Do you ever do this?
You sit down on the couch feeling like shit about your world come
bedtime and then the guilt hits. Like, “there are people way worse off than you
asshole – put on your big girl pants, find your happy, and get over your damn
self.” I just did that whole mantra right
there and it wasn’t so great.
Now I'm wondering where you go in your limbo moments? Cause I’ll tell you where I go – I look up old
lovers on Facebook and see what they are up to.
Now, the self-empowered, rebel Julia will regret sharing
this vulnerability with you.
But I think there is something here for us both. When I am feeling scared, unsure, -- at odds, --
I find center staring into the faces of men I’ve fucked wholeheartedly. Ok, so it’s actually just one guy (“faces” sounds more
balanced and poetic) but honestly he is all I need.
Stick with me. This
isn’t about a 30 something mom retreating into the
hells of cyber nostalgia. In fact, when I look
into his dark eyes and thick smirk, I feel no sparkle in my groin or escapist
desire for play. But I do get
excited. I remember what it was like to
march my ass onto a train eastbound and ride the zephyr wind with every bit of sex, power, selfhood, and femininity I embodied to freely gift to this chosen sir.
I remember what it was like to say to myself, -- yes, I deserve love --
hot, wild, across the country, passion for no reason other than to confirm my
belief in love. In myself. And that love was
freedom. Unbridled freedom.
Sometimes in my day to day, -- my kid’s cough, my partner’s
absence, in big bills, work, daily chaos, changing schedules and monogamy I
simply forget that love is freedom. And
I feel guilty because I am struggling
to see love smiling at me in all I’ve built. So I look at my old lover on that flat screen and
say, hi there. Hi love. I am here.
You are too. So I ask you as I ask
me, how can we make love free right now as a 30 something? How can we free up love in our lives – in the
parts of our lives that aren’t sexy? -- How can I learn to look in the mirror and see what I find in the lines on his face?
I believe. I
love. I am. That’s the mantra I'm growing.
