parenting

one of the most challenging aspects of parenting is self-preservation.

make love, a voice whispers. make love to yourself, you fool. funny because i've spent years of my life copulating, fucking, sucking. unifying myself with another calling it "love making."

but i hadn't made love until i became a mother. now, i am shedding my life's blood and infusing this beautiful creature with every ounce of red and purple pumping. it is alchemy. the ability to give and give yet somehow remain standing and hugging this child closer than i did the day before. LOVE MAKING.

how is this possible? well, the whisper says, hey you, go fuck yourself. with meditation, a bukowski poem, a cup of tea, and that hand of yours. it's just that simple. and hard. to come by as a parent. now if you will excuse me, i must go make this love inside. tomorrow is calling and her name is MIRABELLE.

grocery list

i procured a man of groceries

for whom i shopped for smiles

but, i've known no man of produce

that can fill this cart of guile

until i reach the top shelf

i'll negate your shiny aisle.

taxed

a third of all profits

goes to taxes

so i'm drinking my 401k

straight from the bottle

investing in stocks

of fresh shasta daisies

and there's no way

i'm gonna go bankrupt

because i already did.

heartbeat

i took a train to the heartland

and found a man who's pulse was fast.

he grabbed my hand and told me to look up

so i did and haven't been down since.

relationship

man woman

under pant

too damn tight

elastic between our

mantras tonight

we sought

simple greatness

amidst oversight

and then

we done

jeff @ whole foods

a boy appeared

between

the register and the line

his smile

painted faces

and i announced a "hi"

youth clean and

shaven

hebe drinks her wine

men are their

greatest

between 20 and a five.

call me.

the bean can

in settling for bed

i opened the cupboard

for a cookie or two

but no treats were found

only a can of

great northern beans

how much protein

is in a serving of beans?

7 grams. but get this,

on the can itself was the

vegetarian food pyramid

it was quite unlike anything

i had ever seen

and it read

eat your beans

drink your booze

all in good health

no joke.

go peep the pyramid

and let's go vegetarian tonight.

writers never die

there is a time

to bite a line

from a hero.

those of you who

never read him

might think

i was so quick

with words.

writers never die.

choices

a break through

my choice of sustained abstinince

i mispelled abstinence

fuck it.

beading

i pierced the couch with a violent eye

and passionately tried to thread beads

on a leather string

suddenly a fervent rage overcame me

and i started to fuck the glass balls

with a cord too thick for any such hole

i screamed beneath my breath so as not to

wake belle, and punched the sides of my head

like an angry gorilla during heat

be it the lack of cooperation,

stress, or old perfectionist tendencies,

but i had cracked, made a slave to a handful of glass

that was when i knew

i needed less wine, more structure

and an art project that didn't require nimble fingers.

no cuhunas

i knew you with balls

but took a recent census

and found your grove

had lost its nuts.

call it middle age,

or the be-witching

hour, but what the

heck happened

to the bone

that broke

your

self respect

and now you

only ring when

lady bird

flies da coup.

i miss those

prophecies of

i, self,

divine

and hope your

cuhunas

return home,

once again, brother.

anticipated

i'm waiting and

compulsively tugging

the half inch too long

hair on my neck

perhaps i've always

felt yearning in

greater magnitude

than most

but right now

feels like the first time

i ever wanted that call

from someone

and it's silly because

i wouldn't know

what to do

with it anyway.

phone sex

i wonder how many times i've called

and asked, "whatcha been up to?"

where you replied, "not much and you?"

when but seconds earlier

you were in the throws of

fucking yourself

so hard that

upon answering,

you lost momentary consciousness.

it's been a long time since

you came honestly

in my ear.

hmm...

rain wonder

hit

mute

to find

rain,

refrigerator

humming

hymns.

no room

to write

lately,

boxes,

lawyers,

kids.

so soon

contemplating

mantras,

underpants,

biz.

girl titillating

a new moon,

a fresh man,

mist.

knowledge

for too

long,

and

too sure

of

becoming

just

this.

thank you

for knowing

me

rightfully

as

is.