On October 29, 2016, I was drugged, raped and physically assaulted on the island that raised me. I went for a glass of wine at 5pm to a local establishment where I was known by name before attending a spooky Halloween play, Darkness Illuminated. I tipped the bartender and drove eagerly to the art center, excited to experience live theatre and see one of my dearest friends perform. The venue was bustling with grinning faces, most of whom I knew, and I mingled happily among them.
When I was introduced to a friend of my friend, I realized something was profoundly wrong with me. I could hear and see everything but my response sat like cement in my head. I couldn’t speak or formulate sentences. Blushing embarrassment painted my face. What the hell was happening? I had been stressed beyond reason with the recent death of my mom and going through the agony of divorce, but how could this be happening – especially in a moment when I was entrenched in public and wanting to be supportive of my friend.
The lights flashed, and I found a seat hoping to recover and reengage in my night out. After 10 minutes, my hearing was also gone – I could see everything happening on the stage but I was completely cut from the audible world surrounding me. I trembled in terror – was I having a complete melt down? Sweat ran down my forehead. I had to escape. I ran to the door of the art center facing the parking lot. I looked into a sea of darkness with cars like beacons of color facing me.
Where had I parked? I had no memory of parking. God damnit. How could I be this fucked up after a glass of wine? Darkness. Like a short circuit in my brain, I was in my car but no memory of how I found it. Just me suddenly sitting in the driver’s seat in front of Minglement. Pumpkins with faces smiled at me. I was crying. Fuck you Julia. I was so angry at myself. I ran away from the theatre, my friend, and I was fucking imploding. I hated myself in this moment sitting in the driver’s seat of my car, grateful for my car, but I was loathing myself. My last memory of the night. Hating myself for losing control. 7:08pm. Darkness. Silence. Darkness.
Where had I parked? I had no memory of parking. God damnit. How could I be this fucked up after a glass of wine? Darkness. Like a short circuit in my brain, I was in my car but no memory of how I found it. Just me suddenly sitting in the driver’s seat in front of Minglement. Pumpkins with faces smiled at me. I was crying. Fuck you Julia. I was so angry at myself. I ran away from the theatre, my friend, and I was fucking imploding. I hated myself in this moment sitting in the driver’s seat of my car, grateful for my car, but I was loathing myself. My last memory of the night. Hating myself for losing control. 7:08pm. Darkness. Silence. Darkness.
When I opened my eyes I was in a bed. Naked. There was a man. Frozen I laid there blinking. In excruciating pain, I blinked more. I remained perfectly still. I felt my breath and I wanted my life so bad. Would I ever see or hold my kids again? I started to panic. But I just blinked. The man moved. I thought about running out the door but I didn’t know where I was, if I was on Vashon, if outside was safer than inside. I wanted my life but somehow it had been taken from me. The TV showed the time on a blue screen. It was 5:37am. I looked at the man. I had never seen him before. I had zero memory of anything past the art center – but how was that possible? I had to make it out of this moment so I could understand why.
I slid to the floor in search of my pants, purse, anything that was mine. Where was my reality? He sat up like he had been awake and asked if I was ok. I begged him to help me get home. I told him I didn’t know what had happened or why I was there. I was at his total mercy. He spoke very little but knew right where my car was and said he would return me there. I collected the rest of my things from around his room. My pants had buttons and the buttonholes were torn through. I got in his car shaking and realized I was in Gold Beach
My car was parked behind the pharmacy in the spot I always park when I go uptown. I shut his car door. I watched him leave into the early morning darkness. I sat in my car alone. I exploded like Beowulf screaming.
My dad. My kids. My friend. They thought I was dead. I disappeared. They were out searching all night in the darkness for me. I had done the unthinkable - I left and didn’t come home. I was so angry at myself. How had this happened? I hated the darkness. I hated that I had no memory beyond sitting in my car by the pumpkin heads. I felt completely at fault – grown adults didn’t do horrible things like this to people they love.
Swedish hospital with my dad followed. Something happened, he knew it and demanded we get answers. Get help with this mystery. A seizure maybe? I was in horrible pain. Battling flashbacks of awakening to the stranger in bed next to me. The nurse took my blood. Rape kit. I saw the bruises on my body. Rape kit. She did too. I shivered. I still couldn’t see. I wanted to vomit. My heart raced.
You’ve been drugged Julia, look at the test results. Drugged? What? What does that mean? Have you heard of date rape drugs – you have one in your system. Drugged. One glass of wine at 5:30pm. Drugged. The darkness – that happens when the drugs take effect. You probably will never remember what happened that night. Maybe that’s a good thing.
A good thing. Someone had released a serpent into my bloodstream and I was consumed whole, inside out. A good thing to be alive, yes. But I knew as the nurse was talking and I put my clothes back on that I would have an epic battle of rebuilding myself. To live through this now that I had my life.
3 years ago, I left home to have a glass of wine in a local establishment and lost my life for 10 hours. I woke up in a man’s bed and I was no longer the Julia I had been for 36 years. I was a victim. I was hurt badly. I couldn’t trust anyone or anything that I had built my life upon. But I had belief. I had believers who saw and never questioned my pain, who brought me to help, who loved me when I felt unloveable. Who didn't let me abandon love.
I learned bad things happen to good people. I knew I wasn’t alone in the darkness so I started sharing my story. And I found many people like myself who had been hurt, hurt in this same establishment, who were silently hating themselves, who had been assaulted years ago and had never felt safe to
verbalize the horror. I found love in these hollows of horror. I felt like my experience wasn’t in vain because I was helping other people unlock avenues of healing.
Together we were shoulder to shoulder marching ourselves and each other out of darkness.
Trauma disconnects us. It beheads us from our heart. Be the light that shines in the face of fear. Believe survivors of violence because your belief makes it possible to reengage and live in a world that has betrayed you. Belief enables healing. Believe survivors and help illuminate the darkness. Thank you to each of you who has held me, believed me, protected me, and loved me through my process of illumination.
Thank you for being the light.
